Monday, January 5, 2009

Insanely Vile Response System

I recently dialled the Indian Railways Helpline to enquire about some services. The IVR system was so pissing off! Had to go through a labyrinth of options before I got to speak with the call center guy. And that too after i dont know how many rings. Lol and the girl who finally picked was an IVR system on her own. "Good morning sir. Welcome to Indian Railways. I am *inserts name here* at your service. How can I help you." And this sentence was spoken with so much speed that only the "help you" part at the end was discernible. A classic example of a student from one of those 'Rapidex English Course - Learn phast and phluent english in 15 days!' . 
Later that day and fittingly so, I also came across an article on a similar topic. Would like to share it with you to express my anger and point out the hopelessness of such similar pathetic and lamentable call center services.

I call them phoney phone care services. You know the kind I'm talking about. You phone your credit card phone number with an urgent question. That's when the whole phoney care begins. Press 1 to talk in Hindi, Press 2 for English, Press 3 for Hinglish, Press 4 for Swahili...once that is done the nonsense continues. Press 1 if you are blah banking customer, Press 2 if you are an illegal alien, Press 3 if you are a three toed midgetm and so on and on. Finally about one huor later you reach 'Thank you for calling Blah Bank, all our customer care operators are busy right now but your call is important to us, we love you and want to have your baby so do hold the line. Of course by that time you've forgotten why you called in the first place!

Now can you imagine what happens if this continues spreading like the virus that it is. Thank you for calling emergency ambulance services. Press 1 if you are having a heart attack, Press 2 if you are having a stroke, Press 3 if your kidneys are failing and if it's a headache, press your head! Once you get past that then it's on to Press 1 if your heart is beating at more than 100 beats a minute. Press 2 if you've had a heart attack before. Finally when you get through they say...thank you for calling. Your heart is important to us, all our ambulances are busy right now, could you reschedule your attack for 9 a.m. tomorrow morning?

Or how about, thank you for calling. Press 1 if it is a huge big fire. Press 2 if you are in the middle of the fire. Press 3 if you started the fire. You press 2 and then your options are Press 1 if your clothes are on fire, Press 2 if you have started choking. Finally you get through to the last section and hear...thank you for calling, we care about your fire but our executives have all been fired... pour a glass of water on the fire and call back in two weeks. 

Not to mention... thank you for calling the Anti Terrorist Wing. Press 1 if you think you've seen a terrorist, Press 2 if you are a hostage, Press 3 if you've seen a bomb being planted, Press 4 if the room service guy is carrying an AK47 and of course Press channel 8 if you want to see it all on TV!

How phoney can you get!

So rightly put.

Till then...

Smart Alec said: "So Mr. Graeme Smith, what do you have to say about your phenomenal series victory down under. 'Austr-ko le-lia !!!' "